Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1584.  The Captain has found that fatherhood causes one to be very reflective about a great many things.  There is the grand mystery of life itself, the mystery of those weird silica packets that come in brand new shoes (really, why are they there and why do they tell you not to eat them. How many people eat things that come in shoes. Really.), and the mystery of one’s own childhood.  A lot of people like to blame their parents for things.  Today, the Captain would like to do something different.  This post will be the first, of many, apology posts. Yep.  I need to atone for some things.  So…

Mom, I am sorry. 

I am sorry for the pain I caused you through the sheer joy of mischief that I enjoyed.  For the time I tried to frame you and dad for child abuse in the Sears department store because you wouldn’t buy me a toy.

I’m sorry.

For the time I stole your yarn and pretended to be Spiderman and tied (knotted) said 3 balls of yarn to every possible piece of furniture in the living room and turned off the lights before you and dad came home that one night and you guys both fell in my web and some stuff broke and I laughed quietly in the dark but later regretted it when you guys found my hiding place….

I’m sorry.

For knocking over spilling (it is a very delicate skill to control an “accidental” spill) my Kool Aid on the nasty delicious vegetables that you spent a long time cooking and that I refused to eat (but boy our family dog sure did live a long time – I take credit for that.).

I’m sorry. 

For the holes in the wall, the broken window, and the time I caught the kitchen drapes on fore because I buttered the toast before I put it in the toaster – and then the subsequent damage I caused by playing fire marshall.

I’m sorry. 

For falling asleep (and snoring) during the first act of Les Miserables when you spent a lot of money on lower level section tickets just to culture me (I’m sorry but that one girl still sounds like Cyndi Lauper to me in Bring Him Home – I know that isn’t a cultured critique).

I’m sorry. 

For sitting in the front pew with you at Church and covering my ears (so everyone could see that I was) when the senior choir stood up to sing…and then falling asleep (and snoring) during the sermon. 

I’m sorry. 

For the time I snuck off to the corner store to play video games for two hours and you didn’t know where I was and I spent over $6
in quarters playing Double Dragon and was mad at you when you pulled me out of the store because I almost beat the game and still had three credits left in the machine. and I pouted all the way home.

I’m sorry. 

The time I argued with you that wrestling was real and I got mad at you for correcting all the typos in my WWF wrestling magazine.

I’m sorry. 

That’s all the Captain wants to share for now. Hopefully, by apologizing it will buy me some good parenting Karma. Ha! Mom, I know you are reading, thanks for being patient with the Captain as a kid.  I love you and I am sorry (but I did have a lot of fun…lol).

Captain out.

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  1. ClvlndRcks


    Captain, this is your Lt.Col. Your apologies are no doubt appreciated by the General (aka Mom) and have been noted for the record.

    But, good luck on the parenting karma…

  2. Reply

    It takes having your own kid to get the point when you realize what type of kid you were to your parents and think “Oh God, what did I do to them?” Sounds like you were a normal kid. Great post!

  3. Reply

    Cap’n, I don’t often comment on blogs, but you need to know that this is hilarious, inspiring and behind that sheath of watery adventure, honest. Keep writing, fantastic stuff.

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