Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1729. So one of the things about having a daughter is that, as a dad, you are forced to prove yourself in unexpected ways. With sons, it is different. With sons you can break boards, bricks, smash through a wall, grunt loudly, maybe spit, and people look at you and say, “Wow. He’s manly.” Not saying it is easy, but I am more accustomed to breaking things.
With daughters, you have to finesse you manhood. Random dance breaks, throwing children in the air, playing dress-up, and gymnastics. Yep. There it is. Gymnastics.
The Captain is no gymnast. Yet I feel compelled to meet a challenge when the gauntlet is throw down. So when my neighbor’s daughter said I couldn’t do a cartwheel. I was obligated to do one.
Or what I thought was one.
The girls laughed at me and said it wasn’t a cartwheel. They said it was a roundoff.
I don’t know the difference.
So I asked which was harder to do. They said a cartwheel. I protested. My roundabout (shut up, that’s what I call them) was way harder. When I could not rationalize with the two girls under the age of 10, I did what any proud man would do. I went to my wife and sought her approval.
And she didn’t understand me. She looked at me the same way I look at students when they start talking about boy bands and stuff. She finally asked me, “What is a roundabout?”
“The thing you do when you go end over end. Your feet go way in the air and then you land like Da Da!”
This time the Diaper Dweller, who was sitting on Mrs. Captain’s lap, just looked at me funny. She laughed.
So in the front yard in front of God and all humanity I performed my cartwheel roundabout backhandspring thingy (technical term – all rights reserved). And my wife told me it wasn’t any of the above.
I contended that at my size (6 ft. 225 in the press book, 250ish in real life) it had to be something. There has never been a gymnast with my size, strength, and speed. Okay maybe stronger and faster, but not bigger. Right?
So she had me do it again and video tape it. The video.evidence is inconclusive. But I know I did something because as soon as I was done my back wrenched up. I was too proud to say anything. So Mrs. Captain didn’t know…until now.
At any rate, this morning before they left for work and day care, Mrs. Captain said she loved me for my athletic prowess. I didn’t check to see if her fingers were crossed.
Did I mention I do an impressive double toe touch? You’ll have to wait till next week to see it. Keep the icy/hot ready.
Maybe I should stick to the Festivus feats of strength. Until someone pins me….
P.S. The Captain has a challenge brewing. Stay tuned for details.
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